Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.