Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.