[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
😭😭
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.
So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one