Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

ouch

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though