Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

be nice to me or i will put you in the soup

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!