*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
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I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”