*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
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Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?