*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
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This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I only eat vegetarians.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”