Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
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My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
estão todos miauvindo?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
SQUARREL
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.