Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine