Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
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[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.