Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
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ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Winnipeg!!
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.