Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
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You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
drew a comic about my origin story
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.