Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
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[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake