Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
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Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids