Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
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My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.