Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
You Might Also Like
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.