Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!