Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”