Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.