learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
They got a point!
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Worlds greatest photobomb
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!