learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
a god among men
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”