learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I just love that new Pope smell.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no