Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
People be like “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” me personally I would wish some crazy shit on a minor rival
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.