Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
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Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.