Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
You Might Also Like
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
don’t we all
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.