Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.