Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

Meow

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.