Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Important

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

✌🏽

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

San Francisco has too many rules

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t