Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

felt that

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.