learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
You Might Also Like
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I can’t deal with men any longer
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Nothing.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.