Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

Every BBC series about the universe.

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!