Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”