Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
God tier horse name today on the sims
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
Hmm 🧐
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
cyclists
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.