Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
It’s a gift
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On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
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if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.