@TheIronSherk

Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are

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@kirkfox

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

@fro_vo

Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite

@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

@flashember

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

@hazelmotes1

One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now

@KaufmanAudrey

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

@clichedout

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

@ArfMeasures

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*