Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
#parenting
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation