learning about math 🧐 📝
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes