learning about math 🧐 📝
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.