learning about math 🧐 📝
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
