learning about math 🧐 📝
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I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard