learning about math 🧐 📝
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Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?