learning about math 🧐 📝
You Might Also Like
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
NASA has no chill
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.