learning about math 🧐 📝
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She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.