learning about math 🧐 📝
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]