Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.