learning about math 🧐 📝
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ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Fluff me with a fork baby
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.