Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

My guardian angel deserves a raise

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it