*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.