Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
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Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Ion see the issue
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
The Friday File.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*