Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
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When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
*launders Kohls cash*
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Y’all know who you are.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
🎵 I can’t wait to
*puts cutlery down*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.