Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
You Might Also Like
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My wife gives the best headache.