Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

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Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album


A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink



Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes


After three beers in a bikini I quit holding in my stomach and just think of baby names to tell people.


If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.


Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”


I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.


guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week


Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.