Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
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I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
