Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Finished stitching this today 😇
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Don’t talk down to me
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE