Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

The “baby” on the left….

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

I know a bad idea when I see one.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.