Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.