Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.