learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.