learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
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When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
trivia
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Just parrot things
all that yoga finally paid off
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.