Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.