Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
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CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Vodka burrito was a success
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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