Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.