Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

That’s what I call a flat tire

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Peter Parker Peter Driver

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.