Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
A fake ID that makes you younger
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
