Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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IT’S-A ME,
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Hello Twits.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.