Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
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*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Bear
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
car not found
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.