Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
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LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.