Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.