Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
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I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Admin smashed it 😂
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.