Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.