Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.