Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
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[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Personal question. #JustSaying
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Awesome parenting 😂
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer