Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

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Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad


I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.


I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.


Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.


If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.


I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.


guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking


After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.


I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics


[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly