[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
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Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Get in loser we’re going crying
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room