[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
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The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Happy thanksgiving
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.