[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
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Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I beg you to euthanise me
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be