[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
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too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them