Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

Don’t we all.

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

Shark week, but for squirrels.

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol