[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
You Might Also Like
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.