[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
You Might Also Like
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?