*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
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I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it