Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

Doggies just call it style.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!