*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
True.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner